Dear Fat Vinny
Stop…just STOP! This past week you’ve given into all the urges, gone to the gym just 3 times and tonight binged your way to making me feel guilty. I need you settle down and go back to letting the skinny me try to come out again. I can’t go back to the way I was. Why do you have to pop up after we just had a great weigh-in? Why are you trying to halt all the progress I have made so far….
JUST GO AWAY!
This past week I’ve been eating like shit, I’ve been lazy and just a bit depressed overall. Today I didn’t eat breakfast, ate tuna for lunch (150 cals) and then for dinner I was starving! I know that’s wrong and I know what that leads to, but I did it anyway. So what happened after that? For dinner I went out and went crazy on hot wings…I mean crazy! Driving there I knew what I was doing, I thought to myself that I should make a better choice. But fat Vinny was hungry dammit and he was going to have some wings!
Do you know how you’re not supposed to go grocery shopping while hungry? Well the same applies when ordering food apparently. Not only did I order 18 wings, I also ordered mozzarella sticks. I knew all along that it was wrong and I would just regret it after, but I let it happen anyway. I also know that my stomach can’t handle that much food anymore. My mind however wants to eat like I'm still 320 pounds.
This post is really just for me tonight. I need to write these actions down and be honest with myself that I still can’t be trusted around food. I need to be constantly aware of what I'm eating and write it down. To be honest though, it’s getting tiresome. A year of this is starting to get old and I’m afraid I’m slowly slipping back into my old ways. I’m afraid Fat Vinny is going to win and that 320 I used to be will come back and then some.
Boredom is setting in.
I need to switch things up a bit. The problem is my anxiety keeps me from trying new things. I’d like to take a fitness class, maybe a spin or a core class, but I can’t bring myself to go. I always talk myself out of it. I really need to work on that. The funny thing is, I think my social anxiety comes from being overweight. It’s being overweight that keeps me from trying new things…heh…weird, and a bit disturbing.
Tomorrow is a new day, and a new set of choices to make. I’ll wake up feeling bloated and fat from all the salt I took in today and I’ll feel like crap. The good thing is that I know I don’t have to weigh myself for another 3 weeks. Hopefully I’ll make better choices and Fat Vinny will step aside and let the Fit Me take control again.
Ya know what?
Screw that! The Fit Vinny WILL take control tomorrow! I WILL make better choices and I WON’T feel like crap!
I also realize that this is all just talk and I need to take action. So, I’ll leave you all myself with one of my favorite quotes.
“It comes down to a simple choice, get busy living or get busy dying."
- Andy Dufresne (Shawshank Redemption)
Oh, how I know that feeling when you know you shouldn't eat it but at the same time you know you're going to.
ReplyDeleteBut you're doing the only thing you can do at this point, and that is self-correcting, getting yourself back on track. You can't change what's happened, only learn from your mistakes. Take that knowledge, remember how gross and guilty you feel right now, then use that as a reason NOT to do the same thing in the future.
That slip is a learning experience, just as losing weight is a learning process. Use it to learn and grow.
Thanks Elisha! I really appreciate the comment. :)I try to keep learning everyday.
ReplyDeleteDude, it's okay to struggle.
ReplyDeleteIt gives you a chance to learn, improve, and triumph.
I've been there and even now, 90lb and 4 years later every so often I find myself struggling. Food is the worst of the addictions because you can't just give it up and unhealthy choices are all around us.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and believe that you are strong and will overcome it. It is not easy but the price is worth the struggle.